The Brains of Britain.

 Dear Marmite

I have resurrected Blind Bambi. That is the quiz team I was part of in Singapore. It even survived the Lockdown Trouble Brewing zoom quizzes from Singapore with me participating internationally. Sadly the quiz master at the local pub didn't understand that Bambi is a deer and it can't see so it is a NO EYE  DEER. The team over here is much diminished too. In fact, it was just Danielle and myself. 

We set off for the pub in Bletchley last Thursday. I was excited as I went there the week before, joined a team and we won. Anyway, with a heart full of hope, Danielle and I settled down to a drink before things got under way and chatted with a few others in the pub - its a nice atmosphere but apparently much quieter these days. 

Our main opposition were a group of lads in their 20s and 30s who had their table jam packed with beers. As their tongues were well oiled, they heckled the quiz master in a funny, nice sort of way all through the quiz. 

At the end of the quiz, we swap marking sheets before we are given the answers. There were six of them and for every question they got right they celebrated loud and proud. There was just the two of us and we beat them. We just celebrated at the end. YAY! 

They were surprised they had lost. They said that they had one of the team using google. For me, I am slightly ashamed I didn't believe Danielle knew the answer to a couple of questions - she didn't sound convincing. At least I have learnt the colours of the Ukraine flag from her so it was a very worthwhile evening and we got the cash prize to boot. I'll make a quizzer out of her yet.

One of the lads wanted my phone number for future quizzes and other benefits  - his words -  and they asked Danielle if the father was still around! They also complained that we had cheated because she was on lemonade and sober. I can't wait for the rematch. I even watched a couple of episodes of The Chase as a practice for forthcoming quizzes! 

I visited the Canal Museum at Stoke Bruene which is not far from where I live. The actual museum is closed but a volunteer stood outside the building by the canal to talk about a few of the items. I am particularly taken with the art work and how it possibly became so ubiquitous. The surrounding area is idyllic and well worth the trip.

I wasn't quite the brains of Britain the other day. I set off from home and about two hundred meters into my journey I was stopped for speeding. I thought it was a 40 mph area and it is a 30. I was doing 38. Whoopsie. Even my car dashboard says that part of the road is 40 but you can't argue with a man with a gun and a flourescent jacket. 

My trip to  the grave in LB and Dunstable Downs after the speeding incident.. I travelled very slowly!

I am going to be re-educated in the ways of the English Highways and By-ways. At least it won't be like some regimes where people got sent for months tilling the soil to make them better citizens. I have heard the course is not particularly interesting but it is better than losing points! 

I know you are oh so smart, Marms. You are not like me. 

I do miss you. 

Love

XXX

The Whole World is Barking Mad

 Dear Marmite

You are in the ascendency! The whole world really is barking mad. I have just about recovered from the COVID shock while at the same time bigger and worse things have fallen apart around me. In contrast, I am sane. 

Let's start with Gav! Why wasn't he sacked? Has Boris got such bad judgement or is it part of a wider plan to see which member of the cabinet can piss the largest sector of the population off. There is some competition too -  Dominic's comings and goings; Gavin Williamson's exam debacle ruining the lives of young people; Matt Hancock's failure to do anything well with the NHS; and now Dido Harding is heading up a new department after cocking up the test and trace app. Even Rishi gave money to people who already had it (in some cases). Boris from the film, Snatch, couldn't have made a bigger balls up. 

There is a trickle down effect that taints everyone with a degree of stupidity. I'll give you an example - Call Centres. You phone a call centre and wait for 30 minutes to speak to someone with a strong regional accent who addresses you as "pet".  The banal music that plays while you wait is interspersed with a woman's voice telling you that your call is important to her. Has it happened to you?

I have an on-running issue with the new French windows fitted by Safestyle last February and because of lockdown this has become even more frustrating. We were due for a call out on Friday but on Thursday I got an sms to cancel it. It had been arranged for 2nd October. Sometimes the doors are hard to lock and they are the only way into the back garden. Obviously, they get used. We can't live in this house without going into the garden. 

I told Nigel Twat from the call centre that my call was very important to him and I was very angry that my appointment had been cancelled without explanation. I also told him how long I had to wait to speak to him. He said he was sorry but I knew he didn't mean it. He should have had training in sounding sincere.

I told him that his company should have more people employed to man phones. He said it was COVID. We have been in this situation for 5 months. If large companies haven't come up with a better solution to their working practices by now they deserve to go under. To be honest we didn't get off on a good footing. He told me not to use the doors until October. I told him to provide a ladder so we could climb over the back fence. To cut a long story short - I have an appointment for Monday... not in October. Why do things have to be so difficult?

I have also discovered that my new swimming regime is making me fat. My watch says I am burning over 800 calories a dip and I swim 3 times a week. Yet, when I get dressed, I struggle to get my clothes on. One day last week I forgot my towel. It is the towel that Kevin gave me as part of my leaving present. It is brightly coloured and not something anyone would not notice. Swimming is also affecting my organisation skills. Maybe I should try something that will help me lose wait and develop my brain a bit more.

I went to Bletchley Park Museum yesterday - an amazing place. It was the birthplace of the modern computer and for most people who lived locally, it was a place of mystery during the war. The place was chosen to as an intelligence hub for its position in relation to Oxford and Cambridge and for its rail link to London. I think it would have been rather fun spending your working day doing puzzles to find out what the enemy were up to.

On the home front it is fruit picking time. I have been out with my colunder to pick blackberries most days and this week at the Community Orchard we picked plums and apples. I have a bowl full and have already made an apple and plum cobbler. Perhaps not everyone is barking mad after all.

Singapore is a place of sanity... People like Boris and Nigel Twat wouldn't survive. Think yourself lucky Marms. You are in a good place, to be sure. Even the weather is better.

Love you as always,

XXX

Calamities caused by COVID

 Dear Marmite

This week so far has been very topsy turvy. It started off on Sunday afternoon with Sammi arriving with Lucky and a bike. They came up from Brighton on a train and I picked up my urchin son with accompanying clutter from Milton Keynes Central later on Sunday evening than expected because of train cancellations. 

Lucky is still here but Sammi is off in Cambridge for an over-nighter. That means that there are two dogs filling up the house at the moment. The only problem so far has been that one dog, maybe both stole two cooked chicken joints from the kitchen counter top. I have no idea who to blame. Both seem contrite so we'll have to forgive them their foolish ways.

On Tuesday I took Sammi to the Community Orchard. We were busy clearing weeds from one of the allotment beds when Sammi took a call from Richard. He had bad news. All I heard from Sammi was "shit", "no", "Oh my God" and "f**k". I thought something had happened to Shadow. 

It was worse. Far worse. His work had done a spot coronavirus blood test and it came out positive. With Richard positive and four of us under one roof that phone call became a defining moment in our week. We downed tools, told everyone at the Orchard that we had been in close contact with someone who had tested positive. We left. 

At home I spent well over an hour telling everyone who I had been in contact with that I had been in contact with someone who had tested positive. Danielle who is four months pregnant booked a drive-through test and I emailed online for tests for Sammi and myself. 

Meanwhile, Richard hid up in the bedroom, we cleared Sammi's bedding out of the spare room and put Danielle in there. Sam was relegated to the futon sofa in the living room. Sammi would have to stay with us for 2 weeks. That was clear. We all isolated ourselves in separate rooms. 

I felt fine. i kept thinking about my body hurting with symptoms but felt nothing untoward. The whole dymanics in the household changed. Richard felt guilty but it wasn't really his fault. Periodically, we offered him tea and sent food to the nether regions of the house. I disinfected every handle and every surface. No stone was left unturned. 

Richard wanted a second opinion so he booked a drive-through test, hopped in his car and disappeared. Sammi and I awaited the delivery of our kits. Suffice to say. Yesterday morning, 24 hours after our lives had been sent way out of kilter, Danielle's results came back. She was negative. Then Richard's came back. He too is negative. It was a false alarm. A bloody great blip in our lives though and not one easily forgotten.

All this still meant an enforced week off work. Danielle had to leave work as she is with vulnerable people. I cancelled plans for the week ahead. These included having a smart meter fitted. The first appointment for that was 29th April and that had been cancelled because of lockdown. I cancelled my swims and told the pool when I was last in the water. Disaster - I now had to reverse as many of the cancellations as I could. Sammi had thought he couldn't travel home.

To celebrate; Sammi, Danielle and Richared went for a walk by the canal and River Ouse. They went swimming in the river with the dogs. Later I cycled to meet them at the local pub and we drank a few rounds and continued to celebrate our relief and reprieve. 

When we got back, the testing kits for Sammi and I had arrived but by this point it didn't seem necessary for us to do the tests and waste anyone's time. Instead, after a couple of pints Sammi and I continued the chess challenge which I am happy to report I am now 5-3 up. Once more normality is back and I am winning!

So as you see Marms, it has been a feeding fest for resident dogs while everyone in the house has been through their own personal terror. I can't call it torture for obvious reasons. We have pulled through and we are fit to face the world.

I imagine you might have observed all this from a safe distance and wondered what the fuss was. 

You are still the love of my life.

XXX

Happy National Day, Singapore

 Dear Marmite,

It is about 9:30am here but I expect in Singapore the 55th birthday celebrations for Singapore are in full swing. I know it won't be quite like previous years but as with all things, Singapore has adjisted well to the new normal and parades are destined for the heartlands. There could be one near you.

Over here it is another normal Sunday with the exception that Sammi will be here later. The room is ready and for the next few days, I will be vegan too! Nasser has his family with him. His brother has organised a "holiday" let around the corner from me. That house is vacant as it is in the process of being sold. For the time being, this is the party venue in the neighbourhood. The evenings are barmy so I pop round for coffee and sheesha ( my Sheesha!). The times they are a-changing!

Food parcel delivery for SOFEA has now ended so I am now doing King's food parcels on Thursdays. The round is the same as the Tuesday round so I see the same faces. The system is very different. Each person gets three very heavy plastic bags of processed food in cans and packets. These are packed into a crate. My car only takes 10 crates but the round is for 25 crates. That is a lot of very heavy bags and three trips.

I don't baulk at many things but I really felt the mountain of a task was too much. I took the first car load and delivered the first bags to a man who was just out of prison and he is in a house with no furniture at all.  I knew him from the previous rounds so I asked if he could help. He hopped in the car. I gave him a killer mask and off we went. He was lovely. I couldn't have done it without him and he said he had enjoyed himself too. I am sure he doesn't really appreciate just how many people he helped that morning - especially me.

Nasser gets his food from King's. We normally cycle round and load the bike basket and rucksacks up. Then we wobble home. Last week he went without me to pick up the stuff. They gave him some fresh produce donated from the allotments for me. Apparently not many people appreciate really fresh stuff and I don't like to see it go to waste. So I am a recipient of food help in my dotage!

I also went back to help at the Community Orchard on Tuesday. The trees are heavily laden with fruit. Damsons, Victorias, Bramleys, Cox's and cherries. What I need is a ladder and a walking stick. By September they will be past their best they so need picking. Needless to say. I picked a few reachable ones and stewed them with ginger and rhubarb. Richard offered to turn it into a cobbler. I then picked some blackberries from the lane just by the house and in a blink of an eye we had a dessert beyond imagination. I am off to get some more blackberries this morning for dessert mark ll.

On the subject of feeding and being fed. I have discovered the little blighters that have eaten my brocolli. I don't like caterpillars but they turn into butterflies so I won't kill them despite their avid feeding. They can't be hungry catepillars considering how much damage they have done. eeerrrrrgh.

Another hot day awaits thanks to corporate greed causing our climate crisis. When the suns shines gloriously in Britain we forget that this is because our world is dying because we don't love it enough to care for it. It should not be a cause for celebration that we have had the hottest day on record this week. We should mourn.

Love you, you old dog! 

Love 

XXX

Killer Masks

Dear Marmite,

I hope this letter finds you well. You certainly looked pretty happy in your last selfie. Life is definitely treating you well in your dotage. I try to look after myself as best I can and try to follow advice regarding COVID 19. I did the Guardian quiz to find out out much I understood of the rules here in Britain and I was none too well informed. I always imagine that when you take quizzes like that there has to be a logic. For these answers, logic was well left field. 

I even took the advice from an article in the Guardian that good face masks should be made up of three layers of closely woven fabric. I got my sewing machine out - the one that came with me from Singapore - and made three of them. This was to ensure I would always have a mask with me. 

I wore one to IKEA when Nasser wanted to look for bits for his family who are coming to visit today. The escalator wasn't working so we walked up the stairs which in retrospect seemed rather tough going, and then at the top, I passed out. My knight in shining armour stopped me from hitting the deck and we were close to the sofas so I ended up on a most comfortable one. I can say the mask offered full protection from everything - including fresh oxygen! It almost totally  seals any air from getting through! Back to the drawing board!

As I said, Nasser's brother and children are arriving today. His brother has got a "holiday" let for a month and we have been cleaning it up  and getting the garden ready for their arrival. A few things from my place have been moved over to make the place more homely - I shall be taking an inventory later! (LOL). Nasser has been saving food from his food parcels to feed them and today he is a mother hen clucking around to make sure everything is in order to make them welcome. It is a very big day for him and all very exciting. 

When he first came to live with me, I gave him the keys of freedom and today, he gave them back. It is the end of one chapter and so a new one begins. Hopefully, this one will be full of promise as he has family support this time.

Last week, we popped down to North London to pick up a bag that a friend brought over from Singapore. I have to say that I had forgotten what was in the bag and without divulging the contents it was heavy and contained nothing that I couldn't have dumped in Singapore. I see it as a testament to my manic packing, leaving one country for the next! Next time I'll be so much the wiser - that is, if there is a next time.

As part of our trip to pick up the bag we visited my cousins in Watford on the way down and then friends from Singapore who now live in Harpenden on the way back. Meeting people in times of Lockdown is quite strange. The bonhomie of cheek kissing is clearly off the menu. I tend to stand a pace back and wave my arms up and down for probably a second or two too long, not quite knowing what the protocol is for this new world order.

Despite the initial awkwardness, it was  really lovely and definitely a day to remember. Nasser is also getting used to meeting my friends and family as well. The rules for socialising should be clearer though. Perhaps they should include things like, "On meeting old friends, stand 2 meters back, lift your right arm to wave and smile. Do not touch!". Maybe elbow nudges could be included in the guidelines. Any thoughts on that one, Marms?

Certainly for you, Marms, I would always tickle you behind the ears whatever, rules or no rules.

Love you as always,

XXX