Perhaps I am not a trendsetter after all

Dear Marmite

Before

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Yesterday I had all my hair cut off - shaved actually. I couldn't stand it any more. My hair - for those who know me - grows out and not down. It grows out in a wild and woolly way and that makes it hard to look after. I really was desperate and I did need some help in that department. So, probably the two people I would trust the least to cut my hair in normal times set to with the clippers in the garden.

Plan A was to cut it to 2.5cm all over. That is 1 inch and a lot longer than I had had it done on two previous occasions. Plan A didn't work out. My hair grows in all directions from the roots so the clipper - or should I say my "hairdresser",  couldn't cut it evenly. Suffice to say, the clippers got closer and closer to my scalp. After what seemed like an age,  and with trial and error I finally ended up with 0.5cm of hair plus a little longer bit that still sticks out today over my right ear!

After

These clippers were charged up before they first attacked my hair. The session took so much time, I began to imagine the clippers running out of power and me looking like a cross between a scarecrow and Coco the Clown - one part of my hair finished but the rest in tufts. I really had such little faith in my two novice hairdressers. Obviously there was no mirror in the garden. I judged how well it was going by their comments and they weren't inspiring me with any confidence.

We have a saying in my family that the difference between a good and bad haircut is about 3 weeks. I reckon as long as I wear a sunhat, a helmet, a scarf or perhaps a burkha, for the foreseeable future no one in Tescos will bat an eyelid. As long as I don't look in the mirror I won't develop emotional scars from this trauma either.

So from having a really amazing haircut in Paris - the best in my entire life - to this is some drop in fortune. I keep saying to myself, "I never imagined it would be like this" or, "I was expecting to be..." and I imagine lots of other people saying the same. These really are unusual times.

Yesterday I saw myself as a trendsetter, yet in The Guardian today there is an article about home haircuts. This has made me realise I am well behind the curve. Mine, by the way, didn't need a pudding basin or hair colouring either. Not only am I behind the curve, I realise that I am not that creative either!

I am also living my life betwixt two cultures. This is another thing I never expected. There are so many things that amuse me. Yesterday Iftar was roast beef and Yorkshire pudding - the full works including chard from my vegetable patch. It was a Sunday - it wasn't Sunday lunch - it was very British but it did start with a few dates. I also had wine. Wonderful!

Sometimes, I forget that the reason my life is like this is because around me people are dying in their thousands from a virulent bug. This morning brought it home to me. I had a message at 6am that a very good friend had just passed away not 30 minutes before. Despite his age and poor health, he had put up a fight and nearly beaten the virus. Another thing I couldn't have expected - a funeral for my son's Godfather.

So Marms, I really will need a hat.

Love you, stay safe

XXX

Fish and chips and sheesha

Dear Marmite

Ramadan Kareem! This greeting is especially to you, my noble friend. If you remember, there were times in our year when we celebrated special things and you might like to think of this as Christmas without the Turkey and trimmings. It certainly involves nice food and if you were with me now, you would get the crumbs metaphorically. I used to give you the specially prepared stock from the Turkey bones with rice and you lapped it up. Happy times!

These days I exist between worlds in my own little world. Because I live in England, I feel a duty to have fish and chips. The chippies are closed of course. I buy mine frozen and ready battered from Tesco. I can't do the wrapped-up-in-paper bit but I do have brown vinegar. It is not quite authenitic but it is English.

Entertainment at home includes sheesha. It has been warm enough to set it up on the patio in the early evening. That is not British but as I am probably the sum of all my travels and adventures it seems only just a tad strange here in Wolverton.

During the day I find time to roll around the floor to do my stretches and go for a bike ride or a walk. Yesterday we went 25 miles. That wasn't the intention when we started out but I sort of got carried away with the idea we should take in just one more village til we ended up in Mursley. Part of the road to Whaddon was closed so we took a detour along the A4221 and then through the southern part of Milton Keynes.

This is where things got really bad. Google really did get us lost. Then the stroppy woman directing us from my pocket got really angry that we didn't go round a roundabout that actually hadn't been built. We went round in other circles to find a road. We stayed on the road til we found a "redway" cycle track. All seemed well to me but Stroppy Woman in Pocket wasn't pleased. She punished us. Turn left then right. Take Dada Road - that wasn't there. These instructions were meant to confuse. There is no other explanation. She sent us up a bridleway - grass and dried mud with indented tractor tread - oh my poor bottom -  and finally we reached a place I recognised - The Crematorium. We were alive enough to know this.

When we got back, my contractors were outside having a break from fixing my bathroom. They sympathised with my friend who had  trailed along. Of the two of us, he is the real athlete and I am the old dear. Yet, they seemed to think that it was more normal for me to be doing this. They were brothers together against a woman.

We have also been delivering food parcels for SOFEA and registering people for meal deliveries and the food bank. I have seen how the other half live. I am thankful I have my health (dodgy leg withstanding) , and the resources to make choices. COVID-19 is widening the abyss between the haves and the havenots. Isee it firsthand. This crisis is an opportunity for the UK government to make lives better and to stop using sticking plasters. Mind you, knowing their level of competence, they probably haven't ordered enough of them either.

The other day I had an asthma attack. Not a common occurence fortunately for me. After I was mostly recovered, I popped down to Halfords to get my bike sorted AGAIN! This time while standing at an appropriate distance on the queue markers, I coughed. The reaction of absolutely everyone around me was impressive. To a man they leaned as far as they could without leaving their place in the line.

I fully understand their fears. I wanted to say it was just asthma. I couldn't. I thought the new conventions of behaviour were so funny, I giggled. Then I coughed a little more. I tried not to giggle. Really I did. I wanted to apologise - say I was sorry. I couldn't - it didn't seem right somehow.

These are dangerous times. We must all do our bit to stay safe. When it is all over we won't deal with people in the same way ever again. Perhaps people will cross the road to keep their distance just like they did when you were with me, Marms. Very big, black rotweiller X equals danger, naturally.

I love you. Lots of people love you.. You are a lovely old dog.. don't take these snubs personally. I didn't.

Love

XXX

Our Beautiful World

Dear Marmite

I am getting used to not doing. Perhaps the more time I have, the less I actually do do. My new motto that has slipped into my life is: " Don't do today what you can put off until tomorrow."

The new bathroom is mostly done but because of shopping restrictions the shower doesn't have a glass screen and there are a couple of other itsy bits that need sorting as well. Like the rest of my life those small details will get sorted hasta manana. The power is out of my hands so I won't lose sleep over this.

I have also given up reading too many "coronavirus" things. They fill the internet. Their content is mostly laden with doom and gloom. The more I have read, the more I feel we have not looked beyond the end of our noses. Don't get me wrong, Marms, what is happening to us in this world is a truly terrible thing. There is no doubt about it. Inside that terrible thing are opportunities to change the very nature of our world for the better. I believe we she focus on this.

On a walk through the town we spied mother duck taking her babies for a walk past the town hall. I can't say much for her parenting skills though. She hopped up the kerb and left her little charges to struggle up what must have seemed like a mountain to them. One or two of them nearly didn't make it onto the verge and she didn't look back once.

Around me, hedgerows have sprung to life and people have time to smile and nod as you pass by at an acceptable distance. There is space to take in beauty and delight in small things like seeing rabbits bob along a lane or a fox jump through a hedge. Nature has the chance to connect with us now we are not able to consume.

You well know Marms that shopping is not my favourite pursuit and despite living in a shopping paradise for nearly 24 years, I never got the bug. This current life is not so different from my life before. So I don't miss wandering through malls. There are things I need, but again, these can wait. Hasta manana!

What is most important is that I have time for coffee - lots of it. Now I am retired, there is always a time for a cuppa. That is what I am doing right now. It just happens to be coffee time.

By the way, Shadow sends her love. She is 9 years old now and so settled into being an English dog. I am sure those country walks would fill you with dread. Trust me... they are lovely. As are my cycle rides which are around 15 miles these days.

Love you as always and miss you so much.. Thanks for those daily selfies. You are quite a poser.

Love

XXX

The Passing Days

Dear Marmite

I hear it on very good authority that you approve of the stringent Circuit Breaking measures of the Singapore Government. They definitely suit your preferred lifestlye of short walks and long periods chillin' indoors. Your government is very clear about what is acceptable and that is good. You are a wise dog indeed to fall in with their wishes.

Over here the Easter weekend has been and gone and it has really been just like any other day. It is hard to remember a time a time when I had so little that I had to get done over such a long time, and to be honest, it has made me very lazy. I put off now what I am able to do later in the day. If it doesn't happen then, there is always tomorrow. Bukra insha'allah is clearly my modus operandi.

I spend more time than I should watching silly videos sent to me from friends - admittedly they make me laugh but they are a bit distracting. I also spend too much time looking at the garden and imagining it in full bloom with mature shrubs bathed in a warm and gentle sun. Oh, how I wish!

As we do nearly every day, we went for a bike ride yesterday. This one was different though. Instead of ambling down country lanes and round villages, we headed for the Roman Villa and sat on a bench and had a picnic.

The Roman Villa is two miles from home so we needed to go on a fairly circuitous route back home to get the miles up. I used to cycle 23k round trip to work and home five times a week in Singapore and I find it difficult to keep that sort of mileage up around Milton Keynes. I have now had three punctures - partly because I think Halfords inner tubes are cheap in the very worst sense.

Shoes now consigned to the bin.. not doing well with things falling apart 

Despite the mini kitchen, the meals are still reasonably varied and my twice weekly trip to Tescos is a little highlight of my days. On my last visit, one shopper took it upon herself to shout out people flouting the shopping guidelines. She did so in a shrill estuary accent. OMG! I felt myself wishing that a trolley accident would befall her. In her wake were shell-shocked, elderly dears drooling their apologies - probably mentally scarred and dreading future trips for shopping.

Life goes on. I am lucky I have company and my health. I will survive. Others are not so lucky. A very close friend of mine is in hospital in Stevenage. He has the dreaded lurgy. My thoughts are with him at this time. For all of us it is a timely reminder of how precarious life is.

From Al jazeera. Note UK has zero cured. 50 dead in MK hospital.. UK not doing well

Marms, keep strong. Do the right thing... exercise is as important as rest.

Missing you as always.

Love

XXX

Time on my hands

Dear Marmite

We are on Day 18 of the lockdown. It really is the new normal. I go to the supermarket twice a week and queue in the sunshine - a fortunate development for Britain. Long may it last. Everyone stands 2 metres away from each other and the line typically stretches to the back of the car park. Fortunately, it seems to keep moving and there are staff to regulate who goes into the store. I even have my new shopping outfit especially for Tescos.

Ten fine toes to wiggle in the sun

Once inside, there are arrows on the floor to direct people round the store. These are ignored. It seems socially acceptable to do so and apologise each time you head towards someone coming at you from the right direction. The trolleys vear to the edges and their drivers maintain a polite distance nodding at each other.

There is no yeast. Bread making is off my list of things to do, sadly. Eggs are non existent unless they are chocolate ones. Pasta and flour have also disappeared. Once you get to the checkout, the employees are now protected by a tall perspex screen. I don't think cash changes hands anymore. It is all very calm but so different. Remember the old days... they may never be the same again.

Elsewhere things are running as a new normal too. I helped at a foodbank in Hodge Lea last Tuesday. We set up tables a discrete distance apart and when people arrived to pick up a food parcel they filled in a form and then took a ready-packed box. It struck me how these people needed more than food. Many had difficulty filling in a simple form - both in understanding what to do and in spelling simple words in their answers. It makes me wonder what sort of society we have here that gives such little support to people like this.

On the other side of the coin, my life is taken up watching "funny" videos from friends all over the world. There is a limitless supply that drops into my life through FB, whatsapp and messenger. I realise how other people have far too much time on their hands too. I try not to pass things on - mostly because I know that someone else will. Trending memes are hard to ignore! LOL.

Trending furniture... my patio table

I have also joined a pub quiz in Singapore run by Trouble Brewing on Zoom. I am the one person that turns it into an international event. My team - Blind Bambi ( think about it?)  - do a whatsapp discussion and one person hands in the answers. It is not quite as good as the real thing but it is a couple of hours fun every Wednesday.

On top of all that, we still manage to get some exercise - mostly cycling. The best distance so far was 15 miles. In fact, I am so busy I hardly have time to write to you, Marms. This doesn't mean I have forgotten you and that you have slipped out of my life. Please keep the selfies coming, you handsome chap, you.

A view from a ride

Love you so much, as always.

Love

XXX

Desperate Measures

Dear Marmite

I see that you are enjoying the new regime. Being pampered and not having to do too much exercise is your idea of heaven. I know. Every time I see a dog over here I think of you. This week I saw Shadow. She is well and at 9 years old she still looks like a puppy. She still responds to the call of Marmite so she must remember you and your time together back in Singapore.

I have been keeping active and now the warmer weather is upon us, we have sat in the garden and had our coffee and lunch out there. Our table is an upturned wine box - now empty! Yesterday we moved the garden round! The vegetable boxes at the back by the fence don't get much sun so we lifted three patio slabs and dug up the grass so now the vegetable9 boxes are in a sunnier place and the patio is longer and thinner. We have joked that for extra exercise today we should move everything back again...

New place for veggies

I looked online for pyracantha to make a hedge; and now the shady part of the garden is bare, I want three different hostas for low plants and two tall plants to put in front of the fence which is almost completely in shade. There are plants on line but not the ones I want. So for the time being my garden is coronavirus blighted.

The same goes for my bathrooms. One has been ripped out but there is nowhere to get plasterboard to replace the rotten stuff behind the shower. One of the new toilets is still boxed up and in the living room. It serves as a low table for the time being. In the bathroom on the middle floor, the sink is wobbly and the shower mixer tap is decidedly dodgy. I can either be scolded or frozen. Of course, I prefer the latter condition and now the house is warmer that is quite tolerable. I can live with cold showers.

I went to Tescos in Wolverton last Friday before 10am as that is a priority time for old people and the vulnerable. When I asked about basics like flour and eggs on a previous visit the checkout girl told me to come on Mondays, Wednesdays or Fridays before 10am as this would ensure that I got these things. That was a mistake. Not only did they not have flour, eggs,  or cans of tomatoes, there was also a space where the litre bottles of gin once sat and the aisle with toilet rolls was pretty sparse as well.

Eggs?

No gin

Added to this, the place was full of  indecisive, doddery old folk. I have decided I am not in that category just yet. In future I'll take my chances with the rest of the population. The queues are no longer and there doesn't appear to be a net benefit of finding what I want on the shelves. With warmer weather, standing outside and being ushered in one at a time is not an issue. After all, I am retired - I have all day. As much as I hate it, standing in a queue is not the worst thing that could happen to me.

Last week, I dropped a note through ten of my nearest neighbours' letter boxes to set up a whatsapp group in case anyone needs help. I got two responses and now know two more neighbours, neither of whom seem to need any help. At least I tried to be a good neighbour.

Next Tuesday I am distributing food parcels in the community. The next highlight of my life! Small outings bring such joy. Such are the deperate times we live in.

Love you loads.. socially- distanced hugs coming your way.

Mwa

XXXX