Lockdown looms

 Dear Marmite

We are living in a time of misery - a slough of despond even. As a result of Big Bad Boris flip flopping and doing absolutely nothing right for anyone, rumours abound that a new lockdown is heading our way. Added to this, we have yet another storm or two battering this fair land. Zeta, with Aiden hot on its tail are predicted to wash away any plans for the next few days. 

I read in a Chronicle of the twentieth century that in January 1900, a flu epidemic was putting great pressure on the hospitals and keeping grave diggers busy day and night in the cities of Britain. The epidemic was described as a fashionable malady! I quite l like that turn of phrase. We certainly have a fashionable malady now! 

I am also not happy with Samsung. Since meeting Mr Silly Twat in Milton Keynes, Samsung store; I have found out the this man left his job at the shop later that day after bullshitting me. Clearly I was his parting gift. Samsung in the UK were happy to sort out my problem provided I bought the watch over here. I didn't. My friend in Singapore visited the shop I bought it from and was told that it was out of warranty - two weeks out of warranty -  so they couldn't do anything about it. The only good thing I have to say about Samsung is that they have built in obsolescence to perfection. I refuse to give up the fight on this one. Companies like Samsung need to be more environmentally aware that quality reduces waste. 

I have been looking through old photos, newspaper cuttings, birth certificates and wills. I reckon the archives go back to the 1860s. Many of the old pictures contain people that I can only guess at who they might be. To give you an idea of how many pictures I have been through, I have filled a very large B&Q black box and a suitcase that once belonged to Aunty Rose. This old leather suitcase has her initials on - R.A.P.

I have been discussing my finds with my cousin in Australia. He looked up her husband who she married in 1915. He reckons that Pharez Phillips, an Australian MP, was her father-in-law. What a lovely name!! 

So, as you can see Marms, life is not all tickety boo here. You are in a much better place - I just hope you appreciate all that you have. Send me some more pictures of you. 

Missing you as always

Love

XXX

A week of mixed fortunes

 Dear Marmite

Once again COVID has been the big disruptor in my life. Provided I don't aim to do anything beyond the mundane, I can plan. I was to visit an old friend but that is now off the cards due to social distancing from potential carriers. ARGH!!! This is not an unusual situation these days and in some ways it makes me wonder whether we will ever get back to socialising, ever again.

There are other things to say ARGH about as well. Top of the list is that my Galaxy Active watch has died after one year and two weeks! I took it into the Samsung shop in MK Centre so I could be entertained by a prize twat. He told me that it was water damaged and it isn't meant to be used in water. Fair enough.

The counter to this is there is an app for swimming so I asked him how I could use it for swimming if I couldn't get it wet. He said the app was there because it was part of a package and it was no more than splash-proof. If you swim with it, you can't put it in water. My imagination of how a swimming style would look like if your left arm were always out of the water.

Unsatisfied with the poor response from Mr Silly Twat from the Samsung shop in MK Centre, I looked online and spoke to Benedict on a chat line through the Samsung website. He  was sympathetic and helpful. He passed me on to another Samsung man in Leeds who went through the manual for my watch. On page 27 it says that you can use it for swimming but not for thrusting it through the water or for diving. 

I pointed out that I am an old dear and was not likely to be thrusting my arms through the water at any great speed these days. Satisfied that I have not mis-used it, on Monday I am off to see Mr Twat to ask what I should do next... hopefully get a replacement or part exchnge. WATCH THIS SPACE, Marms! ARGH!

I told Danielle and Richard the sad story of the dying watch. When I got to the part where I mentioned about being an old dear, Richard scoffed and said I was playing the vulnerable card again. I am vulnerable - it's official. E-On sent me a letter to say that in the event of a power cut, they will sort out my home first. I am on their vulnerable register. I can't even record my activity at the moment to show how I potter along after nearly a year of retirement. My watch is broken.

I have also joined a tennis club. I signed up for lessons but was a bit of a square peg in a round hole so now I am just doing the socials. I am still not fully recovered from the British Council accident but I am getting there thanks to the swimming, rolling around the bedroom floor and cycling I have been doing. 

As old age creeps up on me, I often wonder what is acceptable behaviour. When do the things that children do, cease to be acceptable. The other day at the swimming pool a young boy of about 4 was sitting on his mother's bag in the shower area with a giraffe on his head. I asked him if his cuddly giraffe could swim - after all, it was at a swimming pool. He looked at me as if I was off my rocker. His mother smiled at me so I said, if it could swim, it would probably win any race by a neck. 

A giraffe sitting on a 4 year-old's head is perfectly natural. If that child were 10, would that seem as natural. How long Marms, do you think I will need to wait until I too can adorn myself with the bizarre? I was tempted to put the trophy we won at the quiz this week on my head. Something stopped me... Perhaps I am not quite old enough to do that in a pub yet!!!

I notice you rather like large sunglasses these days. Perhaps people around you don't bat an eyelid as this is now normal in your dotage. 

So with another week gone and we are both another week older, I'll say bye bye and send you my love, as always.

Hugs

XXX

Hugs

XXX

An omnishambles of unprecedented proportions

 Dear Marmite

Friday night came and went and I spent it with a large G&T. I don't think that breaks the rules of who or what you can mix with but with Boris' ramblings you can never be too sure at the moment. I didn't even have anyone to beat at cards.

We have a new regime with a traffic light system of lockdowns where the north and north west of England is supposed to be bearing the brunt of the system. Unfortunately, no one likes it and Manchester has refused to follow the new rules. On the good side, you will now be able to get a GCSE in COVID experiences but I expect it will be diffiuclt to score well as the text is quite illusive. 

At this point, I'd like to share some of my observations as to why things are not really working. I live near a secondary school. This school uses two entrances for students to come and go. In the mornings when I head to the pool large groups huddle together while waiting to be allowed onto the premises - about 10% of the youngsters wear masks - usually lodged under the chin - but credit must be given for at least trying with this. Obviously, the school is concerned about the spread of germs so they let it happen beyond the perimeter. 

So this is a community mixing freely. After school, the feral students from the two gates converge somewhere near my house to chat, mob each other and snog! The head of the school probably has good systems in place inside the school but all to no avail if kids behave like this to and from home. 

The school must have at least 1200 kids who go back to probably 600 different homes where they share their newly acquired germs with other members of their families. Mums and Dads then go off to different workplaces, shops and perhaps pubs to spread the love and germs gathered by their offspring. This is one school. This must be happening all over the country so what is the point of limiting how how many people can meet together? Tell me Marms. This is an omnishambles and we are in the thick of it.

Meanwhile, as I write this, I imagine the holiday that had to be cancelled because Danielle sat across a table from someone who tested positive at work. Life is not fair. It really isn't. I think I am quite smart and I don't quite get what I am aloud to do and what I am not. Any thoughts, Marms?

On the bright side, as a small substitute for all the swimming we could have done in a tropical paradise just 10 miles down the road, I organised a trip to the pool for Richard, Danielle and Nasser. This wasn't exactly pushing the boat out but it was a nice lunch time dip. I am a little off target for the month as I isolated so only 20km so far. 

I promised myself I wouldn't mention the weather this time. It really is what everyone talks about over here. It makes a change from the modus operandi in Singapore where food take centre stage as a conversation starter. So Marms -  yes, I do like spicy food and no, I haven't taken my lunch!

What about you, Marms? Have you taken your lunch, yet? 

Miss you as always - you are definitiely in a better place! 

Love

XXX

What a week that was!

 Dear Marmite

The weather here gets nippier by the day and now we have the central heating on. It is currently 7c outside and I never feel I have enough warm clothes! If only I had your lovely, silky coat. It would certainly be of benefit over here, especially now. The only downside is when the temperature suddenly perks up and you have to strip off mid journey.

I had been so looking forward to our family trip to Center Parcs, Woburn - less than 10 miles down the road. I booked it up in April and we had all sorts of activities booked for the week. I was so excited, I had even started packing. Sadly, on Tuesday I had to cancel because of this bloody COVID. What have I got to look forward to now?

This is what happened. Danielle got a call from work on her weekend off to say that she had been in contact with another member of staff who had tested positive. That meant she had to self isolate for 10 days and as a result of my living with her, so did I. This meant we couldn't go on holiday. She phoned me up with the bad news just as I was heading for my swim so I walked into the pool and told them I had to cancel my booking. I returned home and started to check online to get a test. IMPOSSIBLE. You can only get a test if you are on the verge of kicking the bucket. 

I can understand why lockdowns are not working here in the UK. How can people restrict themselves to their homes not knowing whether they are carriers or not? A test would have enabled Danielle to return to work - with no lost income, We could have carried on with our holiday and put money into the economy instead of retiring from society in the off chance that a virus jumped across a table and passed through Danielle's PPE. I am sure many people have been in this situation and decided to chance it as the loss of income is as big a risk as passing on COVID. Come on Boris sort your shit out!

The best comedy available at the moment is Trump. He has proved himself to be a total laughing stock - a prime dickhead no less  - and all without batting an eyelid. The narcissistic oaf reckons that COVID is a blessing from God, who incidentally must come from China. The safest thing America can do is replace him with a cardboard cutout. At least the world would be in safer hands.

On another front, I bought a house on Monday as one does!! Despite all the setbacks with getting the transaction done, I now own a railwayman's terraced cottage in New Bradwell, MK. Nasser has moved in with his children and between us we are going to tart it up a bit. Unfortunately Nasser locked us out soon after he moved in and now we need to repair a door before we start the bits we need to do. I am trying to laugh about this. 

I am also employed  - not for any money  - I am helping Nasser's daughter with her GCSEs. I have already tackled biology and now Macbeth looms for tomorrow evening. We have already done some art together. This is teaching at its nicest.

So Marms, with the weather at a barmy 13c now so I am heading out for a jolly on the bike. Wish you were here. There is so much I could show you.

Love you loads as always

Hugs

XXX

Conspiracy Theories

 Dear Marmite

The weather here is awful. That is an understatement. I have just come back from a walk with Shadow and we are both rather damp. Storm Alex has been beating down on us for three days now. The rain is wet. It wavers between the sort of rain that leaves ripples in puddles to the stuff that hangs in the air like mist. All in all, whatever you find yourself in, it is not nice.

It does have a plus side though and perhaps the powers that be have sent "things" up into the clouds to make the weather this bad on purpose. The streets are empty and there is not a cat in hells chance of me picking up a virus as I am the only one silly enough to venture out. This rain is a circuit breaker. The only way I can show you it is raining this badly is to take a picture of rain on a cabbage leaf.

In addition to this, the news is buzzing about an obese, aged president testing positive for a virus that he doesn't believe in. Some theories suggest he has done this for sympathy ahead of the vote. Twitter has said it will clamp down on tweets that wish  Trump ill - what happened to a free press? Meanwhile, whatever the facts, I am hoping for the best possible outcome; as I know many of my friends are too.

While we are talking about the media, I have become irked and annoyed about the frequency of ads that tell me to sign up to the NHS test and trace app. I am not given to cynicism but I have not signed up to this because I don't trust the government, especially Desperate Dido Harding. I can almost understand why some people don't wear their masks properly. I just have a problem when people's noses poke out unprotected.

I haven't been told what data will be shared in any of the ads for starters.  Ads that come to me with the intensity of a MacDonalds ad have a negative affect on me. In contrast, I know I would have happily participated in anything that Singapore set up. I can't help thinking how much we over here could learn from them. 

ITV are showing their latest series - The Singapore Grip. I watch it because it is Singapore but I am disappointed they can't get the monkeys right. Long-tail macaques look nothing like the imposters they are using on the set. I know full well you, Marmite, could spot the right sort of monkey - you have had lots of experience on that front, even inside our house. There are other irritants in the story that show poor research. I could go on at length - you know me Marms, I won't. 

There are positives - Billie Bump is growing and on my walk today I saw three magpies. This I reckon is pretty significant. Danielle meanwhile has lost all sense of good taste and has bought a carved candle from a charity shop. This pink, twelve-inch monstrosity holds pride of place on the mantelpiece so I can't ignore it. Once she had told me her father said it looked like a dragon's penis I can't get that image out of my mind. I hope with time, she will set light to it so it melts into Woolhead folklore. Perhaps Freud might have something to explain why anyone should feel the need to buy a candle such as this. 

I had a hit last week. It felt good. That is a high note for this week, at least. 

Still miss you, my dear, old man...

Love

XXX