Christmas Came Early

 Dear Marmite

My big day was December 22nd. I was busying myself doing bog-standard preparation stuff when low and behold a delivery man brought my third, and this time proper, cushion cover for the sofa. To be honest, I had been sent an SMS to say it was due at lunch time the previous day but it didn't arrive. I had been on the phone to the company to let them know about the "no show". Naturally they apologised - typical, I thought... I have been here before so I didn't actually think I would get sorted. Yet, all turned out all right. I have a perfect sofa now. The joy didn't stop there. I then had a call from someone in M&S who obviously wielded power. I now have been compensated with more than M&S vouchers. Case closed. I am now over this and I have a new year to look forward to - free of M&S silliness.

This wasn't the end of my joy. Within a short time from the first delivery the 3 mini heaters I had ordered some time before  arrived by post too. I was convinced I had been scammed. I got them from this company because they promised an earlier delivery than other online ones. Having paid money to them, there was no acknowledgement. I checked out Curry's who didn't have much to offer beyond a £600 Dyson one - yikes. I wanted to warm up the downstairs area where Sammi and Lucky are staying but even my darling son isn't worth spending £600 on. 

By the time Christmas arrived, Nasser had strung up my fairy lights around the room, my food preparations were complete and it only needed me to bung the fully stuffed  turkey in the oven before 8am on Christmas morning. Danielle, Richard and a pretty grumpy Ezra-Mae popped round for Buck's Fizz and present opening. Apart from a poorly little baby who needed nothing more than cuddles, it was such a joy to have everyone together. I got given a lovely walking stick - this was a request from a long time ago. I needed a stick to help with the blackberry picking. I even got a walking holiday for Christmas too. Wow!! 

Christmas dinner left us all very stuffed - not just the turkey! I had catered for both Muslims and vegans and now I have enough food to last me through to the end of January. Lucky is the benefactor of the turkey stock. It was once you, Marms that had this special joy. I used to mix it up with rice for you. Now Sammi and I are working our way through leftovers for the foreseeable future. Even the freezer is stuffed.

We played the requisite number of very silly games, wore hats for the entire day and collapsed far too early! Danielle and Richard  had also got me a pub quiz game which promises to bring out my competitive side. That is one thing many people will know doesn't need encouragement. I am yet to find "friends" to play with. Any takers?

The compulsory Boxing Day walk didn't pass without incident. It was a pretty damp day but we didn't anticipate the Flood Plain of the Nature Reserve to be flooded! This wasn't just puddles either. Well over half way round our walk, we trudged over a bridge to find a lake where the normal path should have been. After a little prevarication, Sammi decided the only way was for him to take his boots off, roll his trousers up and piggyback me to the dry bit somewhere on the horizon. 

The two cyclists who had joined us on the bridge also ummed and ah-ed about their best escape. It was quite funny but turned into total hilarity when Lucky decided it was too deep for him.  He had an audience though felt no shame in being a wimp. He went round in circles and refused to follow Sammi who by now had feet that were bright red from the cold water. Sammi waded back and rescued the stupid mutt. All had turned out well.

Well, I thought it had turned out well. Just as we had got to safety, Richard phoned to say that Danielle had had a convulsion and collapsed in their bathroom. He then took her to hospital where they did a brain scan. Doctor's conclusion - it was COVID. She had tested positive Boxing Day morning despite having a booster on the 23rd and since then had been under the weather. I am still very worried as I don't trust the doctor's diagnosis. She has done all the right things to protect herself and still COVID has done this to her. 

So I am emotionally wavering between the joys and heartaches of the past days. Hopefully, the sun will come out tomorrow - metaphorically - I don't hold out much hope for the weather forecast,

Love to you, Marms

XXX

The Christmas Spirit

 Dear Marmite

Once more I fear that Christmas Spirit might be in short supply. The government is given to a lot of pifflewaffle muttering about plan B or even PLAN C but no one is prepared to give definitive direction. So on this "advice" I am full steam ahead for cautious Christmas FUN!

However, I got rather to the the heart of things and feel I have a few insights since I went to a Christmas Quiz at the Conservative Club in Bletchley. For brevity I'll call it the Con Club and the name seems apt. I had never crossed the threshold of one of these places before so to me it was a real eye opener. It is just like I imagine a northern, working man's social club - a large, badly decorated room with a sad, artifical tree leaning to the right. 

I ordered a drink which was very nearly poured into a mucky glass - eagle eyed me spotted this just in time. Was this a metaphor, I wondered? Our host promised food. I expected to be getting a proper meal - maybe even Christmas fayre. I had saved myself for this treat. Looking at the scribbled chalk menu, I noticed the choice was rather limited - cheeseburger and chips, hot dog or scampi and chips - our team held back and resisited as none of this excited us. By the time we relented, the kitchen had closed. It was 8:30 and the quiz was in full swing. In some small way we have done our bit to save the planet as the Con Club serves meals in polystyrene boxes. What does that say about our government's green policy? 

At least we won. The prizes weren't great but there is always the warm smug glow I feel for having sat with intelligent but hungry friends!  After the quiz we did a takeaway from a kebab shop in the main street of Bletchley. It was top notch yummy. We sat outside the shop in a cold dank mist and ate it - even funnier -  we played a game to name songs or artists with colour in the name. Then we went on to a karaoke pub - nuff said... What a funny night it was.

Christmas cheer abounded at my local tennis club. Despite heavy mist and nippy conditions, enough silly people plus a musical penguin showed up to the social. It wasn't quite the Red Hat Socials from my previous life but it was fun even though I had numb fingers by the end. 

I went to my local village church again and I can't help thinking how blessed I have been to have found a home in such a friendly little village. This time there was an "elf" organisist and we sang carols through face masks. One of the congregation insisted on this even though we were in separate pews. Afterwards I hung around for mincepies and a chat. We all took our masks off for this and mingled in a much cosier part of the church. No one saw any irony in our close proximity without masks on. After all, had anyone planning this thought how we could possibly eat delicious homemade mincepies through a cloth barrier?

So as I head towards Christmas and the number of COVID cases grows daily, I have at least three swims, a couple more quizzes, another knock on the court, a trip to Tescos- err...and a partridge in a pear tree....

So, Marms, on our third Christmas apart, I'll be thinking what to do with the excess turkey gravy with you not here with me to lap it up. I do know that you won't go short of hugs and treats though. You are in a wonderful loving pair of hands. 

Merry Christmas old boy. 

Hugs and kisses.

XXX

Mad Dogs...

 Dear Marmite

I know you must have heard the saying; Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun - well, over here Englishmen appear to be even more crazy than the saying suggests. Here is why. I went walking in the rain last Sunday with Ezra-Mae in the stroller plus Shadow on her extending lead. Along the bank of the canal for as far as I could see were MEN.. Just men - sitting on a wet canal bank in damp, chilly conditions dipping their lines in the water. Apparently it was a competition. Madness! 

My walk with Shadow proved that she is herself, a little mad too. Holding an extending lead with a chunky handle while pushing a stroller on bumpy ground is not ideal. This you must realise, is an understatement. The daft dog kept walking ahead and then across my path garrotting Ezra-Mae who was tucked up in the stroller. When the mood took her, this silly dog then dropped back until the lead was stretched and I was jerked to one side as I was pushing.This made the stroller lurch to the side.  I know that you wouldn't have behaved in such a despicable way. 

I have told Danielle that if I have both dog and baby again, I need a proper lead. I need one that isn't stretchy. The annoyance of this will stay with me, no doubt for some time. I returned home grumpy and muttering about the mud, the dog and  the weather. Once in my garden I stuck Shadow in a bucket of water to wash the worst of the mud off and left her to shake herself down while I sorted out the baby. 

To be honest, I thought about dunking  myself in a bucket the previous day. I had been to Wolverton Christmas Fair where I had felt pleasantly warmed by the atmosphere and music despite the continual drizzle. I cycled to the fair and then when the rain had reached downpour proportions, I decided enough was enough, I needed to return before it got dark as well. Cycling  home along the towpath, I ended up covered in mud and I was wet through despite wearing a raincoat that clearly hadn't lived up to my expectation of keeping me dry. I am still not sorted with the right clothes for English weather and I have been back for almost two years. 

Locally, in a small town, the lights for Christmas look spectacular. My photo hasn't done them justice. Small market towns steeped in history have ridden the COVID storm admirably. The specialist shops look as if they are thriving despite the gloomy economic news.  On the high Street, the food delivery robots were neatly lined up outside Costa Coffee - I presume they were waiting patiently in line for a carry out to warm their wheels before they set off to deliver goodies.  The scene was very much 2020s but the feel could have been Victorian. Even on a damp evening, the decorations looked beautiful. Well done Stony. You lifted my spirits. 

Perhaps it was this shot in the arm that inspired me to write my Christmas cards at 6am this morning. They have stamps on them and they will be in the post today! The lights in my livingroom are currently draped over a curtain pole. They are still not up. I am giving myself a SMART deadline... December 2022. After all, I have all the time in the world. 

You are in a better place, Marms. No winter chill to ache your joints.

Love you as always

XXX

Plain Daft

 Dear Marmite

The weather here is not nice. It is either damp and raining or crispy cold. Too cold to enjoy being out playing tennis matches, that's for sure. Yet, yesterday that is what I did. I still see pictures of the tennis events at my old club and people there are wearing very little. The pictures are current and they are all standing on sunny courts. This is the sort of tennis I consider normal. On the other hand, over here I have to get dressed up to play and my recent purchases have all been for thermal stuff. I even bought a pair of gloves that can grip a racquet - but I don't recommend holding a racquet like that. I haven't even decided on the best combination of layers for free movement. Over the course of a game I shed some of these layers, but still, I am beginning to see games such as chess as being more my thing even though I once tore a disc playing that. Moments like these, I reckon I must be plain daft. 

We are well into December and I haven't forgotten a certain old dog's birthday coming up this week. Sadly though, December birthdays do tend to play second fiddle to all the things we need to do to get ready for Christmas. I feel busy just thinking about Christmas. My tree is up. My lights went up around the livingroom and then came down again - three times. They are still in a heap on top of my wine bottles. I am awaiting inspiration on this hiccup. Meanwhile, I feel an urge to drink the vino and forget the lights. I have bought Christmas cards hoping they might write themselves - ooops. I have also thought it would be nice to decorate the tree in my garden with delicate lights. I am still thinking about it and as they say, it is the thought that counts.

I feel totally uninspired doing any Christmas shopping. I went to a craft fair advertised to open at 10am and when I turned up with Danielle and little one, it said it was opening at 11. I am thinking about going to another craft fair. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. 

Last night the village had a lighting up ceremony. A brass band from the local town turned up and played beautifully. There were braziers lit up on the green at the end of my road where the "do" was happening and there, a tent had been set up to sell mulled wine and mince pies. It was a really heart-warming affair despite the cold. I fully expected the large tree on the green to be the feature for the lights. To me, it seemed contemporary and imposing. My focus was on that one. I didn't notice it was an unassuming, minature Christmas tree on the other side of the road that we did the countdown for. When I realised which tree was the ONE, I muffled a little giggle at my stupidity. 

So as you can see, Marms, time slips by and we are heading for my second Christmas here in the UK. I have known nothing of a "normal" existence here as I arrived home and almost immediately it was lockdown.

In many ways I can imagine another year of COVID life ahead of me and it makes me sigh.  Our statistics are obviously the wrong side of dreadful. I am beginning to dream of travelling to far flung places. My feet are getting itchy.

Meanwhile, I have been doing a bit of painting to while away the hours. I have to say, this really does make the time fly. Before leaving Singapore I thought of setting up an art shack / garage but even that is now a distant thought. Maybe I think too much!

What do you think, Marms?

Love

XXX

A bit nippy!

 Dear Marmite

It is official - I am a little mad. This morning I left a nice, warm comfy bed to play tennis in -2c. I realised it was going to be cold when I started the car and sprayed my windsrceen. The squirted water froze before the wipers could clean the grey film of dust away. I also had to head east towards the tennis club into a really bright sun that loomed just above the horizon. Not ideal conditions on so many fronts!

The biggest problem when I got on court was actually gripping the racquet with numb fingers. I tried wearing gloves but they were too bulky to actually have any control. Worse still was serving. Each time I reached up for the ball, my four layers of  upper-body clothing parted company with my leggings leaving a wedge of podge exposed to the elements. Contrasting this with the  current FB pictures of my old tennis club in a warm climate made me wonder why I made that decsion to get out of bed in the first place. The only compensation for the morning was that my partner and I won.

Storm Arwen ripped through the UK on Friday and yesterday I took Ezra-Mae out in the tail end of it. She was well-wrapped up in a snug stroller and slept through most of the walk while winds battered me and challenged me to keep walking in a straight line. I was out for a good hour and when I got back my watch said I had done 1300 steps! I know this to be wrong and I know why now. When I hold onto the pushchair the steps don't get counted. Nor do the lengths in the pool when I do legs only. My typical day in Singapore saw me doing between 17,000 and 23,000 steps. This watch records a much more sedentary lifestyle.

Ezra-Mae has taken to pulling herself up on the furniture so I have had to put protective corners on stuff around my living room. But as with all babies, you cannot totally child-proof a home. The funniest moment yesterday was watching her trying to get to standing while looking at her reflection in the oven door. She was OK on her knees and looking in but when she pushed up onto her socked feet she slid backwards. Undeterred, she did this again and again but never actually got to a standing position. She can't quite reach the coffee table either so for the time being, anything on there is out of reach.

This week I had my moment of stardom! I was interviewed for Look East - a news programme. The interviewer asked my name and then how to spell it. He then asked me about something to do with volunteering and stuck his microphone out towards me for an answer. It was all over in a flash. 

Me on TV

In retrospect, I feel I should have been forewarned about the question and given time to look less dishevelled. I had, just moments before, been knocking down a tree. I am sure I could have given it a better shot than I did. Despite this, loads of people contacted me to say they had seen me on TV and I hadn't realised it was going out so soon.

I also got to see some friends for a wonderful pub meal this week. It was a bit of a Singapore reunion so, as you can imagine, Marms, we did a lot of talking about the old times. You were mentioned. In fact, you were responsible for getting my steps up each day. All those lovely walks before dawn - I bet you still tremble at the very thought...

Life is so much kinder to you in your dotage!! 

Love you

XXX

A trip to A&E

 Dear Marmite

This week has definitely been a curate's egg of a week. I went to Milton Keynes University hospital very late in the eveing last Tuesday as I had something wrong with my right eye. Many might think it is because I have been looking at naughty things. This was not the case. When my eye first started hurting, I thought I had got some paint in it. I washed it out, put drops in it, held it open, looked at google with my good eye to see if it could explain my agony...

As the evening rolled on, the pain in my eye grew worse until I couldn't see my phone to look up advice on 111. 111 is the NHS website that helps people like me with minor problems. I phoned the help line and was told to get to hospital. Very kindly at 10:30pm Nasser took me down to the hospital which is situated the other side of MK from where I live.

My experience there was not a pleasant one and I probably shouldn't compare it to Gleneagles on Napier Road. The floor was filthy, notices hung limply off walls, glass and chairs! The whole place had the appearance of abject neglect. Even with one eye I had plenty of time to take the scene in. Nasser said it was worse than Syrian hospitals used to be.

The doctor was caring though, and spent time irrigating my eye and checking it out. This brought to mind the time when Sammi had conjunctivitis - picked up from the Mumbai slums. In NUH, the doctor used a camera to look at his eye and the image came up on a screen as large as any TV in a living room. I am not squeemish but seeing a sore eye on a massive scale wasn't nice. I just wonder what mine looked like that night.

Suffice to say, I am now over it. I can see now and I have been swimming a couple of times too. I hope that Nasser has recovered as he spent almost the whole night sleeping in my car, waiting for me and it must have been cold and uncomfortable. What increased my guilt was that it was his birthday and he had to get up early for work - poor man. On so many fronts, visiting A&E was an eye-opener!

Danielle won't let me forget about the anti-climactic birthday cake I gave to Richard last summer. It was a joke from me and I actually described it as such before giving him a fancy, shop-bought one. So when I made a carrot cake with cream cheese topping for Nasser's birthday, Danielle reminded me and then Nasser's family that that cake too was anti-climactic. Probably all cakes from now on will be named as such. This doesn't bode well for me ever wanting to be a Bake-Off contestant, does it?

While I am on the subject of things going badly, I have to tell you that someone knocked my front wall down last Saturday. This isn't exactly accurate. It was their car that ended up in my front garden without human intervention. Such that village life is, news got to me almost immediately, and, I wasn't at home. I was at another house in the village having fun watching the rugby. With a little help, the owner of the car was tracked down. She has promised to fix mine and my neighbour's wall so hopefully the rubble will be a temporary feature of the front of my home.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas here in the UK. I expect that Deepavali has seemlessly morphed into Christmas lights in Singapore too. I love Christmas as you know, Marms. I go all out to make it special but there are things that I really don't understand anymore. Number one - why are there mince pies and a myriad of other Christmas goodies on the shelf that don't have a shelf life that even gets to mid December? Number two - all the decorations that I have noticed so far look cheap, tacky and Chinese. Where is our commitment to not having single use plastics? Number three - How come the UK has adopted Black Friday? I thought January sales were the British way to dump unwanted things on the British public - obviously Black Friday is yet another opportunity to exercise our ability to consume the world.

Bah humbug!!! Just get the spoons out... Christmas WILL be fun whatever. I just wish you were here to share it with me, Marms

Love you

XXX

Two years ago my journey started

 Dear Marmite

I moved out of our house in Singapore two years ago yesterday and how time has flown. Even so, looking back at lot of things have happened since that day. Even now I still miss Dairy Farm but I have to say that friends who knew my home in Singapore reckon that my place here in the UK is very similar in feel. I like where I live now but it is not Dairy Farm.

Slowly my home over here is taking shape. This week the flooring finally got laid and it has made a big difference to the noise in the room. The old stuff looked like lino. It was shiny, orange and cheap-looking. Now the feel of the wooden flooring is much earthier and surprisingly quieter. Having this done means there is one more thing to tick off my checklist. 

I have an electrician coming round tomorrow, and providing his quote is reasonable, that will be another thing I can tick off. The power shower needs fixing or replacing, some lights need sorting, as do a few of my sockets. So as you can see, I have made quite a list. Little niggles are par for the course when you move house. It has taken me much longer than most to get round to doing them.

While all this is happening, I am slowly tackling the painting too. I did the hallway the other day. It certainly looks better for it. The only trouble is that I have paint and painting stuff lying around and this looks a little messy.  I took time out to doodle while the floor was being done - that made time slip away. So two steps forward, one step back on the progress front. 

The nights are drawing in and by 5 o'clock I need to put lights on indoors. In the shops everything is now red and tinsely. There are still gaps on the shelves and all is not well on the retail front but you would not think that nearly 100 people are dying of COVID everyday and infection rates are just under 40,000 every day here in the UK. I have noticed that some shops are withdrawing sanitising stations at the front and fewer people put masks on even in the shops. So here at least it seems to be SNAFU.

Last Saturday I went for a curry in a bank! It used to be a bank and its history has been thinly disguised. I think the table where I sat was probably where people queued for the teller. The place was packed, the food was good and with my doggy bag I have had curry for the two days since. A little highlight in my life!

Yesterday being Rememberance Sunday, I went to the local church for the service. I learned that 40 men gave their lives to war in this parish. Considering how rural it is, that must have been a big sacrifice. As a stranger, I was introduced to lots of people so I had the challenge of remembering everyone's name by the end and what they were important for. As with the pub, the village is a very welcoming place. 

I am also getting to know some of the local dogs too. I don't know their names though. There are rather a lot of them and I am sure you would have felt quite at home here. I am glad that you are still keeping well and enjoying life over in Singapore though. It is the best place to be even though I miss you dearly.

Love you loads as always

Love

XXX

A very mixed bag, Marms

 Dear Marmite

Happy Deepavali, Marms, and stay off those wonderful sweets...I miss you.

Now I am eight hours behind you. The clocks seemlessly went back one hour last Sunday which effectively meant another hour in bed for everyone in the UK. Everything in my house except my wall clock and my body clock understood this. I sprung to life around 5:15am and was ready to hit the day. To be honest my body clock still hasn't made that small adjustment. What is wrong with me?

Last Sunday wasn't actually worth getting up for. I played wall-to-wall Canasta, with my friend who was staying with me. Meanwhile, a storm ripped through the countryside and tore many trees down. It blew most of the leaves off my tree in the garden and it blew down the ceanothus by my front door. This was probably about 3 metres high and was firmly fixed to the fence before the storm. I have given it a good pruning, wrestled it back in place - who knew that trees fight back? and - pinned it back against the fence. Despite the fight, it doesn't look too worse for wear, even though I say so myself.

One of my peacocks fell victim to the storm too. It lost its tail and now lays in two pieces on my balcony. I want to get this fixed but am not too sure how. Some friends thought this peacock was a real one. I can reassure you, Marms, I would act much faster if it was a real animal in trouble. Well, nearly all real animals - rats are an exception to my rule.

Effin' M&S have exceded expectations once again. They are the rats of customer service! This week they sent yet another cushion cover to me to replace the original one that has a flaw in the material. This time it arrived at the correct address for which I must thank them. It is also the right style - no piping this time. Again this is an advance on previous attempts. However, this time it is the wrong colour - this one is a few tones too green and is noticeably different from the other covers. I have emailed them but unsurpisingly no one has bothered to reply as yet. The saga continues...

My woes are manifold. I ordered flooring for my living room and kitchen area. It was in stock and it arrived on time to the right place. I also co-ordinated all this with finding a contractor to lay the flooring two days after delivery. What could possibly go awry, I asked myself. Well. the contractor delayed the arrangement to the Friday and then didn't show up or answer his phone. Finally he re-arranged fitting to the Monday and then the same thing happened. I was more than irked by this as I have cleared my living room of all but the heavy furniture. It is an echoey cave now and not comfy at all. 

So having carted all things moveable out of the way, I now await a time when someone will come and fit 23 boxes of wooden flooring that I have currently stored downstairs,  creating an obstacle course! I started to feel really angry that Phil the floorer had stood me up until I found out that he was in hospital in a critical condition. My stance on him has since softened somewhat.

So, Marms, as you can see life is not easy here on so many levels. The weather gets more wintery every day and, as I realised once more yesterday while on a walk around Woburn, that I do not have the clothes to keep me warm and dry. It really was a lovely walk spoilt only by a perpetual downpour that went through my "waterpoof" jacket and my clothes until I resembled a drowned rat. 

Damp and rather less than upbeat I returned home to a house in darkness. There had been a power outage to 190 homes in the village since 1pm and by the time I got home I was in total darkness and it was cold. I couldn't make any coffee - obviously - so I climbed into bed and read my kindle. It would have been so much better if you had been here to cuddle. 

But as it is, you are a long way away and in a far better place.

I love you soooo much and think about you every day, you wonderful old man. Please keep the pictures coming!

Love

XXX

Playing silly buggers...

 Dear Marmite

As my life slips by there are a few days that stick out as being really funny or really special. The special moments over the past few days have been made so because of the joy of having others around. After Margy and Susan left, Vandana came for a couple of days and then Binny and Ana visited. This weekend yet another friend will be here so no doubt we will pass our time laughing about the past. Ezra-Mae, on the other hand, mostly laughs at me.

When I chose my current home I wondered whether it really would be a forever place. It is slowly taking shape as I put my mark on it and today the livingroom and kitchen floor will be replaced. This is the biggest thing I have done so far. In times of COVID with supply chain issues and problems getting a workmen because the good ones are so so busy, I see this as a coup. 

I actually went on a reconnaisance to see what was available and to set a budget for a future buy. I expected to have a wait for delivery somewhere in the region of 12 weeks as that seems to be standard. It was four days and the delivery person was a woman who carried two packs at a time to my garden. I then took one pack at a time and stored them in my bathroom ready for the fitting. What an amazing woman she was - very professional and friendly - as good as any man. 

I have moved all moveable things downstairs now in readiness for the work to be done and I expect the workmen to arrive any time at all. I am currently sitting in a big echoey cavern watching the wind blow leaves off my tree as the day slowly dawns. When the workmen are here, I'll spend my time sorting out yet another flat tyre. I am getting good at that!

The most ridicuous, funny and memorable moment of this week was the Wednesday social at my tennis club. I turned up along with other players and none of us had a key to get into the clubhouse to turn the lights on. So at 6pm it was close to being dark and almost impossible to see the ball. Undaunted, I warmed up with Gareth who I actually couldn't see when he moved back to the base line. We weren't the only daft ones!

The ball was only visible as it bounced. It was very difficult to keep a rally going when you can't see more than a couple of yards.  One of the players brought their car round and put the headlights on. Much better lightwise for me but for the players facing the car, they were literally blinded by the light! That idea was abandoned and we played on. Eventually someone turned up who had the vital key and play went on as if we hadn't played for 30 minutes in almost total darkness shouting at each other. 

Tennis here in the UK is so different to my experience in Singapore. We play in high winds, spitting rain, bright sun, dark cloud and now pitch darkness - but rarely ideal conditions. I wear warm clothes and slowly take them off as I warm up. The players at the club are lovely and that makes all the downsides of playing here worthwhile.

In the swimming pool over half term, I saw a man playing Marco Polo with his sons and pretending he couldn't here them so moved off in the wrong direction. I reckon I will suggest that type of game when playing tennis in the dark. At least it will give a warning when the ball is about to arrive. I think it could catch on.

So, as you see Marms, life is busy - I even have found time for doing pub quizzes. We won last night. Yay!! 

I still find time to miss you though.

Love

XXX

A bit of a gap

 Dear Marmite

It is over a week since I wrote to you. That is partly because I have had guests -orginally from Singapore- to stay. People you know! It was lovely catching up and talking about Singapore and about you too. So, as you see, I haven't entirely forgotten you. 

My friends were kind enough to accept my place as it is or were polite about the state of the power shower and the heating system not to moan. My home is still a work in progress and a little help from some expert tradesmen would move things on faster. My heating system could be better. I have checked out how to bleed radiators and the ones I have done are certainly better. I lack the tools to do them all so that is the next trip to B&Q planned. 

I have painted three bedrooms and plan to do the hallway next, starting downstairs. I now realise how much energy COVID took out of me when I painted my bedroom while suffering. The other two were a doddle by comparison. Anyway, I digress... back to telling you about my friends.

Margy came over from Cambridge on a bus to Milton Keynes. Public transport over here is both expensive and unreliable. One of her connections didn't run so she needed to wait half an hour for the next one. This would be unheard of in Singapore. 

Susan came by train. This wasn't a problem fortunately - no excuses for delayed trains on this ocassion, at least. We must await future developments of things like having the wrong type of leaves on the line as winter approaches and drivers going AWOL. 

I think our expectations of public transport over here are so low that we expect to hear the odd bizarre anouncement. Not only is it unreliable, it is also quite expensive. This brings to mind how little we are doing to reduce carbon emissions... investing in cheap, reliable transport systems could be a good start. I certainly couldn't exist without a car, especially as I have just got my umpteenth flat on my bike - errgh.

I recently experienced weather when driving locally that actually scared me. The rain came down so hard it was like being in a carwash. The wind blew across the road like a hurricane and for a short while I really couldn't see the bonnet of my car, leave alone the road. It was worse than a downpour in Singapore - much worse, and that is saying something. Had I had been on my bike God knows what my fate would have been.

Margy, Susan and I went for a trip to Bletchley Park. It is an amazing place and even more amazing for the fact that 9000 people worked there at the peak and nobody in the community were really sure what went on inside the brick huts. It is the home of the first computer - Colloseus. My grandson. Dylan reckoned I would have got a job there because I do crosswords every day but I'm not so sure they needed people who could do the Guardian Quickie.

You will be pleased to know that M&S have set another date for me to expect a replacement cushion cover. They have also said they will offer me £50 of vouchers and £100 compensation. This, I have not agreed to. I have told them that the last place I will actually shop is their shop so how would them giving me vouchers compensate me. Watch this space for further twattery. I continue to imagine what else they could possibly do. 

I am sure, Marms, your thoughts about M&S dealing with me must be similar to mine. I have told you so much of the silly things they have done, it is a soap opera! 

Sending you all my love...

XXX

Yet more unbelievable incompetence...

 Dear Marms,

First of all, before I vent over bloody M&S once more, I am sure you helped Rita celebrate her birthday in style. I expect you had a bit of birthday cake and a lot of hugs on that day too. 

Each day over here is pretty unremarkable apart from the continuing saga with Marks and Sparks. The day I waited for the cushion cover to arrive ended like a damp squib. I waited at home all day, no swimming. no cycling - nothing! The cushion arrived at Danielle's house at about 5pm. It was dumped there and there was no accompanying person to fit it personally, as promised. Another wasted day.

I picked it up the following day and guess what, Marms, it was the wrong style. The replacement cushion for the one that has a flaw on it had piping. Errrrrgh, I thought. Only bloody Marks and Sparks to prolong the agony of sorting out my sofa issues. Then I thought; I'll have to phone up the customer service people and speak to one of their many incomptetent twats who will do sweet FA and say in the most insincere of tones that they DO APOLOGISE.. I have now got into the habit of saying that if they were truly sorry, they would have sorted out my problems well before now.

One of the customer service staff didn't have the faintest understanding what piping was. I asked to speak to someone who might have a bit more product knowledge. He said I could have told him the cushion had beading! What? WOOD? NO!!. DICKHEAD!!

I sent photos of the offending replacement cushion cover that had the cloth equivalent of beading on it and now have been promised a new one urgently. Perhaps M&S might find it easier to match a new sofa with the replacement cover - now there's a thought.

I spent an hour and fifteen minutes on the phone on hold waiting to speak to a manager. I drove to the tennis club with LES MIS overture playing while I was on hold. Is there an irony here? So there I was at the tennis club among players waiting to get on court and parents waiting to pick up their kids. 

I told them the sorry tale. They laughed and, more notably, were shocked that this bastion of British commerce could be so crappy. I reckon the more people who hear about how bad M&S are the less custom they'll get. I learnt once that good customer service is taken for granted but bad customer service reports spread like disease. One complaint told to one person spreads to at least 12 others. I think this could be my mission. 

On a happy note, Dylan and Reef came for the day. We went walking along a bridleway and then the canal. Living in such a quiet place means there are beautiful places right on my doorstep. We also played Abalone - a strategy game that Dylan is getting too good at. 

So, Marmite, I must sign off and send you my love. I have some practicing to do! I can't be beaten by a 9 year old - surely.

Love You

XXX

My fury knows no bounds

 Dear Marmite

I need to get this off my chest. Inside me there is a Green Hulk close to bursting out of my skin. Marks and Sparks surpass themselves with every communication I have had over my sofa. Today, I have waited all day for a delivery of a replacement cushion that I was told would be personally fitted. Once more they went the extra mile to irk and annoy!

The appointment in my diary meant I couldn't pop off for a swim and there had been no two hour time slot for me to work around either. I was prepared for this. I am totally aware of how useless that shop is.. I decided today was the day I would paint the small bedroom. At least I would be doing something useful.

In the end, it wouldn't have mattered if I had gone out or not. They dumped the parcel at Danielle's place. I phoned them up in anger, waited relatively patiently while I was put on hold to irritating elevator music for far too long because the robot couldn't understand me. I speak pretty standard English for God's sake!! What sort of accent does it like? 

When I finally got through to a girl with a thick Scouse accent I wondered whether the M&S robot would have picked up what she was saying more easily than it did me. I digress. I was told it was my fault that I hadn't updated my delivery address. I pointed out they managed to dump the sofa in the right garden so how was I to know they had conveniently forgotten this. TWATS!!

The customer service girl managed to enrage me more by saying she apologised. I told her she wasn't placating me. I had come to the end of my patience and I wasn't going to be mollified by her insincerity. 

The upshot... a manager will contact me within 72 hours. Watch this space Marmite... I might turn green and explode. 

On a lighter note, Danielle has met your doppleganger at the local recreation ground. His name is Max and for all the world he looks just like you do. How cool is that? There are two beautifully handsome rotties roaming this Earth. 

Marms, thank you for listening to me. I really do feel aggrieved at my treatment from bloody twats at M&S. My next problem is, where do I buy my undies from now I have vowed never to shop there again?

Love you!!

XXX

Another Omnishambles

 Dear Marmite

I pleased to announce I behaved myself while I tested positive for COVID and was allowed to leave isolation last Sunday. I have to say I quite enjoyed the enforced calm and made the most of it painting my bedroom. It is nearly finiished and now I need an electrician to change some sockets and the light. Once that is done, room number one will be finished. 

I am also a little lighter as a result of not being able to eat. That can only be good news. The worst part was not wanting to drink coffee. This has been a habit of mine for as long as I can remember so I felt a bit lost on that score. Now things are back to normal on that front. I have a full set of taste buds once more.

I still have a cough which isn't too bad. I got some Pei Pa Koa from Amazon. In fact, I got two bottles just in case. This is magical cough medicine that I used to get in Singapore. It tastes so nice it is almost worth having a cough to have an excuse to take it. 

All in all, my little existence isn't too bad. It is all the things that are happening around me that prove that Britain is sinking under the weight of total incompetence. We have petrol shortages. The shelves of the supermarket are under-stocked and prices seem to be higher each time I shop. 

The other day, I drove to another part of Milton Keynes to fill up my car as a friend told me that there had just been a delivery at Bletchley Tesco. I set off on an empty tank and did the last 3 miles on empty. It is a miracle I even got onto the forecourt of the garage. What strange times when the TOM TOMS send messages to let people know where the petrol is.

Way back in the 1970s we lived through a 3-day week, blackouts and continuous striking. I can imagine we are heading for another winter of discontent. Energy prices have gone through the roof already. I am fortunate. I don't have to make decisions between food and heating like many will.

As of today I can tell you what it means to me. I have put plans to travel to visit friends on hold. It seems cherlish to drive around for my pleasure when there are people who need to get around for their livelihood. I normally cycle to the pool and to local places so short journeys won't be affected. 

So as you can see, Marms, you are in a better place. Even Shadow baulked at going out in the rain the other day. It is much colder and wetter over here. You wouldn't like it either.

Sending you hugs from a long way away.

Love you as always

XXX

The Anatomy of Covid

 Dear Marmite

Covid has struck. I am a number - just one of the 30,000 plus cases that the UK records every day. I am hardly part of an exclusive group yet I am bombarded with NHS messages, emails, and phone calls. The NHS has invested widely in making my life more miserable than it could possibly be. Fortunately I am not too ill, just too infectious to go out.

Let me begin at the beginning. I was out and about all over the place on Wednesday and missed lunch. When I got home I didn't feel too good. I thought it was a migraine coming on from not eating regularly. I went to tennis in the evening. In the morning, I had come out in hives again. Haha, I thought. More allergy problems. My wasp sting looks like a massive bruise now so it wasn't inconceivable that there could still be something of the wasp still inside me. 

I looked after Ezra-Mae for the day. That went well. I had no cough or any of the other things you are told to expect. I did feel a bit down but nothing to worry about. Friday I went for a COVID test and argh... the result was positive.

At this point, I had no more than a mild cough and cold. I am still not really ill. I have a stiff neck, intermittent coughing plus I feel sorry for myself. Today I woke up, made coffee, and realised it tasted like ditchwater. My breakfast had the flavour of cardboard. So at this point, I have no taste buds but I can still smell. 

My Singapore phone won't load the test and trace app. Despite telling people this, I get so many emails and sms messages to ask me to put my results on the app. A very nice lady from the test and trace service spoke to me yesterday. She was most understanding. I had already informed everyone I had been in contact with but she needed names and numbers as well. This is understandable but when you are speaking to someone on the phone it is not easy to get numbers off your phone. 

Also, I tried to register myself for a retest but again was thwarted. The email with the link to fill in the form gets wiped out when the code is sent in another email. Again this is something guarenteed to piss me off. I am under the weather and the Bloody NHS doesn't seem to have a handle on how inefficient they really are.

This morning the NHS phone call sent my blood to boiling. This is something that COIVD alone has failed to do. I will not answer another call from that number! A lady rang up, told me to self-isolate as it is an offence not to do so. She read from a script so quickly and with the intonation of a robot, I wondered why the NHS didn't save itself some money and employ the robot from Marks and Sparks to read at speed to the 30,000 people who also have COVID. She even addressed me inappropriately so you can see why I was steaming. 

There are some up sides to having COVID, I am getting little jobs done around home. I have finished some craftwork, now I am painting my bedroom. In fact, I am writing this while I wait for the first coat to dry on the window frame. 

Added to this, COVID seems to have helped me slim down somewhat. What is there not to like about this shitty situation. I know this is a crass comment, Marms. I know how many lives have been lost. I watched "Help" with Jodie Comer on All 4. It was a story of a carehome in Liverpool at the start of the first lockdown. I couldn't help wondering whether her Killing Eve Character might rise to the surface slaughter the few who were left alive. When I wasn't wondering, I was crying. It is a seriously good story and uncomfortable to watch. 

So back to painting for me!! 

I miss you, Marms  today would have been a great time for a cuddle.

XXX

A Big day for Ezra-Mae

 Dear Marmite

I am having Ezra-Mae this morning and I am so excited. I have promised Danielle that I won't drop her on her head. This is a joke by the way. We always told Sammi, when he did something daft, it was because he was dropped on his head when he was a baby. 

Danielle is practicing leaving Danielle in readiness for her to return to work so there will be big changes ahead in her family organisation. I might be baby-sitting when both Richard and Danielle are working so it will be practice for me too. 

I have been quite busy lately too. I volunteered to make some stuff to sell at the Community Orchard on September 11th. In preparation I picked apples and plums from the orchard trees. This turned out to be a risky activity as I got clobbered on the head by four falling apples while picking them. It struck me how Newton must have felt to the power of four! 

I also picked a couple of kilos of blackberries to make blackberry and apple crumble from along the canal. Apart from getting caught on brambles and stung by nettles, this activity was far less dangerous. I also got chatting to people as they strolled past. The tow path is quite a friendly place. It seems that jam making is a popular pastime in these parts. 

We had a beautiful sunny day for the Orchard Event. This was an unusual upturn in the autumn weather. Most of August and the beginning of September have been dismal. I made 20 fruit crumbles at about 7am on the morning of the day and then realised it would be sensible not to take them along to the orchard on the back of my bike. I aim to use my bike for all short trips but in the interests of delivering reasonably sound crumbles I opted to do the 4 mile trip in my car.

I always worry that my cooking won't be popular. It is like when you take something to a potluck and then the host gives you the untouched dish to take home again because no one fancied it. The upshot was that all the local produce was a hit and everything went like hot cakes. I needn't have worried. I even had a little assistant!

I am still having problems with Marks and Sparks. They are the pits. You can't get to speak to anyone for at least 20 minutes and then no one seems to be able to help. I will NEVER consider them again as a place to shop. They are a shambles. It took yet another trip to the Stadium store to find out that I am actually going to get the damaged cushion replaced this Monday. How much effort would it have taken to tell me this was going to happen?

Danielle had trouble with her car and took it to the nearest garage which is on Stratford Road in Wolverton. This turned out to be a big mistake. The Eastern European mechanics clearly had no handle on what the problem was with her car, buggered it up some more and then charged her £200 for the pleasure. Not only was this annoying, she then had to hire a tow truck to get it to a garage that could fix it.  Like Marks and Sparks, places like this should be blacklisted. Perhaps this is the new norm for the UK. Who knows?

I am sure life is easier where you are, I have noticed that Singapore has hit the news for having an outbreak of the Delta variant but you are still in a good place despite all that.

Love you loads, Marms. 

Hugs all round

XXX

A Sting in the Tale

 Dear Marmite

I expect you are wondering why I spelt "tale" the way I did. The answer is simple - I am going to tell you a story about a little sting. It is true and it happened yesterday. It is also quite unbelieveable and it has left me very vengeful.

Most of my day yesterday was innocuous. I played tennis, did a bit of gardening, chilled out - normal stuff. The chilling out bit turned into a nightmare though. I was sitting on my balcony in glorious sunshine at one with the world when a wasp flew up my skirt. I felt something on my thigh so I slapped it. The wasp died but the sting ended up in my thigh.

This is nothing in itself. It hurt. Obviously wasp stings do. I asked my friend to get an ice pack from the freezer. She gave me a packet of frozen crumpets. They sort of did the job of cooling down the burning round the sting. I now imagine future medical advice - take one packet of frozen crumpets...

Then things got worse. An intense itching started aound my bottom and crotch. I thought I had sat on a fire ant nest. I had a quick inspection because I was convinced there were real ants crawling on me and biting. The itching soon started in my ears as well and then under my eye lids. An octopus would not have had enough arms to quell the agony I was feeling. I came out in hives ALL over my body. Even the bottom of my feet were itching and on fire. 

By this point I realised I was having a bit of an allergic reaction to the sting. I called 111 for advice but found it difficult putting a phone to an itching ear. I could feel my pulse racing and I felt completely exhausted. Telling the very kind assistant on the other end of the phone that I had been stung by a wasp seemed wimpish. She said she'd send an ambulance and in the end I was so relieved to have help. 

My blood pressure went sky-high, I was having an asthma attack, my body was on fire and my leg was swollen from the sting. I had to take all my clothes off as they made my skin feel worse. All this took less than an hour. The paramedic gave me an injection and slowly I began to feel normal, if not a little shakey. Even after 2 cups of coffee I slept soundly through to early morning.

Today is another day. I am swiping anything that buzzes anywhere near me. Revenge is sweet. I might even include White Anglo Saxon Protestants in my revenge. A WASP is a wasp after all. To me it is quite amazing that such a small creature could cause such a reaction. I am a bit sleepy even now. 

I did, however, manage to see Danielle on her birthday today. She has been treated like royalty all weekend and she is still on a high. It seems that Ezra-Mae knew just what she wanted. What a clever girl! 

The weather this week is glorious, Marms. You would love it.

Love you.

XXX

Another Year Slipping Away

 Dear Marmite,

It is all downhill to your 15th birthday in December. We are already in September and I struggle to remember where this year has gone. What is worse is that special days like Bank Holidays also slip by almost unnoticed too. 

We had a Bank Holiday last Monday and over here in the UK it signals the end of summer. The passing of our non-summer into slightly chillier weather actually needed nothing to tell us that Autumn is on the way. Today it is overcast and nippy. 

One thing that I really do appreciate is the opportuntiy to pick wild fruit from the hedgerow. I told Danielle I wanted a walking stick. She asked me whether it was for my bad back. Actually I would love an old walking stick to pull the higher branches of blackberries within my reach. It is true that the sweetest fruit is just beyond arm's length. Along the tow path are loads of blackberries. I am using the last harvest of them to make blackberry and apple crumbles for a harvest event at the Community Orchard. 

I picked apples from the trees in the orchard two weeks ago and nearly got knocked out by falling apples landing on my head. This week I picked Victoria and Czar plums which I figured would do less damage should they fall on my head. These plums have also been stewed ready for crumble making.

Danielle is raising money for British birds. She will be walking 50 miles this month in the hopes that she will get sponsored for her efforts. This means that Shadow will also be walking 50 miles too. Imagine that, Marms, your old companion - Shadow -  will be also walking 50 miles alongside Danielle and Ezra-Mae. I expect the very thought makes you go weak at the knees. 

On the COVID front, no one seems to bother any more. mask wearing is minimal, all activities look as if they are running normally and the swimming pool is crowded with families enjoying the last few days of their school holidays. It is a paradox that cases are rising and certain factions are really concerned that once school starts the numbers will go through the roof. Can we stomach another lockdown? I doubt it. We are too used to getting around a visiting like the old days.

This week an old friend from my days in Stevenage stopped over. It was lovely. Just like old times. We drank vino, did some girlie shopping and chilled. Next week I am expecting a friend from Singapore who has just got back to the UK. So many people have been relocating recently. I reckon we could do a great big reunion of Singapore friends in the UK. 

If only you could be around to be part of it. 

I miss you! Hugs and kisses

Love

XXX

Stilroamin'

 Dear Marmite

I am sure you would love the trip down the tow path of the canal to the nearest town. I certainly do and as it is my almost daily trip, I get to know the local dogs and recognise some of the boats that moor down there. There are some funny names - "Long in the Tooth" has an elephant with tusks on it. There are others that make me chuckle too.

Stilroamin' is one of the regulars and now we are in the holiday season, the tourist boats make the strip of canal really busy. The feel of the place changes so much over the day and the weather plays a big role in how busy it is too. I have been roaming myself - I could almost call it a holiday, I suppose. First, I popped to Stevenage for a couple of nights. That used to be my old hunting ground before Singapore. Nowadays the post boxes in Stevenage have woolly hats!

Anne, my old friend, took me for a walk round Barton Hills. The last time I went there was with Sammi in a front sling. He must have been less than three months old so that says how long ago that was. It was a memorable walk as I did it with mustard poo stains down my front and legs. I remember rinsing Sammi off with a bottle of water but nothing short of a bath could have cleaned me up. Luckily, Seamus, Mike and Anne saw the funny side of this but my memory of the walk was mostly about me and how uncomfortable I was. 

These days, I am sure Sammi has better control of his bottom end and milk doesn't have such a disastrous affect on him either. My association with that walk has now been broken too. Happy Days!! Barton Hills is a lovely place indeed. They even have woolly thistles there.

I then set off on a trip to Cornwall visiting people associated with Dairy Farm. That meant a lovely lunch stop in Chippenham where Adam prepared a gourmet curry. You must remember Adam. You told him you didn't want to walk with with him. 

This was followed by a few days with Mark down in Falmouth where the sun never shines! I lost at pitch and putt and failed to swim the length of a beach. Seaweed tangled round my arms and legs making swimming not only slow but also very uncomfortable. 

This makes it sound like my time there was terrible. It wasn't. I loved it. On my way back I stopped off at Sarah-Jane's in Exeter - another DFE renunion. Freda who is your age Marms, is still around. She is a poor old thing these days. You must remember her too. She has Fred the pup to keep her company. 

Now I am back in my slightly more sunny part of the UK. I dream of all the places I can go to when COVID is over. The list grows daily. I am not making any plans until travel restrictions are lifted though and I realise that could take some time. 

Love you loads, as always. Keep the selfies coming!

XXX